Criticizing the Critical Shopper

Every Wednesday when the New York Times Style section email arrives in my in-box, I say a little prayer that there's a Critical Shopper inside. Of all the unintentionally hilarious Times style features, this one is by far my favorite. Even the concept is a little nutty -- writer Alex Kuczynski journeys from store to store, sometimes across the country, and bestows upon us her impressions of shopping there. Imagine if a strange breed of upper-class Manhattanite alien was beamed down to your hometown's mall for a spin around the local Gadzooks, and then filed an article on it (O.K., they haven't yet featured Gadzooks, but I'm patiently waiting).

By far my favorite of recent months is the expose on Kitson, the L.A. boutique much vaunted in the pages of US Weekly and other celeb-centric mags. As it turns out, under Kuczynski's critical eye, Kitson was revealed to be not that cool of a store, full of silly t-shirts and kind of messy to boot. And then the sun went dark and the Earth spun off its axis.

However, this week's exploration of J. Crew is almost as good. I'll break down the most relevatory parts for you:

- Thanksgiving is the preppiest time of the year. Also, gin and tonics are the preppiest drink.

- The other shoppers look nothing like J. Crew models. (Repeat: the other shoppers.) But they secretly want to. Don't you know that's why they're here, poor things??

- Fat children shop at J. Crew. They can only aspire to argyle.

- First rule of shopping at J. Crew: never, ever speak of the fact that your clothing is from J. Crew. If you must, lie and say it's Prada, or an ill-conceived piece from Ralph Lauren.

- If you're a well-known reporter from the New York Times, the sales people might remember to tell you they can messenger over your purchases.

- The key look here is "collegiate good health." If you're looking for college kids with STDs and acne, move it to the Gap, son.

Here. Read and learn for yourself.